Thoughts

Ever since my mom left, life around here has been pretty much like groundhog day (very much agree with you Amy Clark)! I have begun to notice that with each new year, the life of summer sales becomes more and more challenging and difficult for me to enjoy. Nonetheless I try to stay as positive as possible, support my hard working husband, and find the good! Pregnancy can make this almost impossible at times as my emotions run wild and I cry at the drop of a hat! Being a summer sales wife can be so lonely...we are away from family, we have few to no friends, and I probably see my husband only for a few hours a day- right when we wake up and right before we go to bed! Sundays are really the only day we have together....and boy is it a much needed day of rest for him! I find solace in any and all adult conversation...the smiles and laughter of my beautiful Brooklynn...my long bubble baths...the understanding, sympathy and support of my mom (love our almost daily phone chats)...and the love and embrace from Paul whenever my tears begin to flow (which is a fairly usual thing these days). It absolutely amazes me how positive and optimistic Paul always remains. He has taught me a lot this summer about ALWAYS finding the good in others...battling our own weaknesses on a daily basis...focusing less on the mote in others eyes and more on the beam in our own... counting our blessings and searching out opportunities to bless others with what the Lord has blessed us with! I've said it before and I'll say it again....I have no idea how I ended up with such a catch! I thank my Father in Heaven everyday for my Paul William. He is such a true gem...and as my Aunt Bren would say...a modern-day stripling warrior!

This life of a summer sales wife, as I imagine with many other jobs, has its ups and downs, benefits and pitfalls, good and bad times! The light at the end of the tunnel...the "off season" is what mainly gets me through the summer. Meanwhile, the summer time leaves me with a lot of time. Time to do the laundry, cook the meals, bathe the child, run errands, etc (at least when I am not laying on the couch as nauseous as can be with a baby)...but it also leaves me with a lot of time to think. I have enjoyed the moments I have had to myself to ponder my life....the future...the past...goals...etc. Lately most of this time has been spent thinking about 3 things: creating a heavenly home, baby #2, and relationships.

Since we finally bought ourselves a house, and can have a permanent address from now on (mind you in 4 years of marriage, we have moved 12 times), I am really getting excited to make our "home". We closed on our house the day we moved to Texas, so we were able to move in big furniture but everything else is in bins and boxes in the garage...we are no where near settled! But the thought of doing so when we get back from this summer, has really got me thinking about the kind of home I want to create for my family...the environment and atmosphere I want my children to grow up in. My mom turned me on to an article in the June Ensign in regards to remembering what an important work it is we do as wives and mothers and how we can better align our day-to-day actions and attitudes with gospel centered truths. In this article it encourages us women to focus on what we do well, not to run faster than we have strength, try to keep the big picture in sight, keep perspective, make time for writing and studying, and to take time away from the kids to spend time with our eternal companion. I have made a more vigilant effort to do such and have recommitted myself to these goals so that I can be the best mother and wife I can be. I know with the Lord's help, he will direct me in ways I have never thought of and strengthen my weaknesses, for he is a partner with me in this great work, which I am so grateful to be apart of!

Baby #2 has brought about more emotions than I could have possibly imagined. When Paul and I decided that it was time to try for another little one, I was beyond anxious and excited. ..Super "baby hungry" if you will. And while I am more than thrilled the Lord is blessing us with another one of His children to raise here in mortality, those feelings are also partnered with nerves, a little sadness and more mixed emotions of future plans. My sickness or "allergy to pregnancy" as my mom puts it, really took a toll on me this time around. It changed my attitude from wanting a huge family, to taking our family one pregnancy and one baby at a time. It has also brought more tears of joy and living in the moment with my Brooklynn as I realize she will be the only one for just a few more short months! That brings a cloud of sadness as I think about closing the door to one chapter in our lives and opening the door to a new one! I have always been keenly aware of what change brings in our lives and have always embraced change, proposed change, and this time was no exception to that, but when reality hits and dreams are no longer just thoughts in our heads or written or spoken words, but actually a physical and tangible reality, perspective and understanding can change a little. Its not a good or bad thing but a lesson I have learned, mostly because for my entire life I have always been so anxious and excited for the next phase in my life, that I was unfortunately never very good at living in and enjoying the moment, or phase of life I was currently in. From now on, I intend to be better at that. Lastly, baby #2 brings on thoughts of future trimesters, labor and delivery. With Brooklynn, I was just so excited and because I had no idea what to expect I was somewhat naive to the whole experience. This time around I KNOW what to expect and as a result, I am much more nervous...plus this time around I will have 2...not just 1. What helps me calm the nerves is thinking back to the emotions I felt with Brooklynn, as the Dr. told me I was fully dilated and I knew within minutes I would finally set sight on this little one I had been feeling and loving for so many months! And then the immediate bond I felt with her and the love I had for my Paul as we held our little girl, our creation for the first time! What a powerful experience! Phew... I have no doubt that our Savior has a plan for each of us and that these children He is blessing me with to carry and rear are in His plan for me. I am grateful for that opportunity and grateful to have an eternal companion who desires the same as I do and embraces the challenges, emotions, joys, and responsibilities of raising our family together in love and righteousness! I love my family with all of my heart! XOXOX

And finally ending with the time I have had to think about relationships. This past year has been a challenging one for me when it comes to my relationships with both friends and family members. I have learned a lot about myself, my needs and desires, and a lot about others, their needs and desires. I have come to a realization that I can only truly know the heart and intent of myself and not others, but that with Christ's help, and sometimes this has meant many mornings and nights on my knees pleading with him, I can see others through His eyes! I can be given clarity, peace, understanding, and the ability to forgive and be forgiven through Him. I have learned that we are all struggling to fight off the temptations of the natural man and that at times we do indeed fall. However I have also learned that we are all desiring to be better people, overcome our own weaknesses (which vary tremendously from person to person), and look out for our own families...especially new ones which we are starting to grow and create. I realize that we live in a world with tremendous pressure...where that pressure comes from I'm not sure...other than I think I develop it within myself....and that pressure sometimes erupts in ways we are not so proud of. From these tests I have faced, I am trying to ALWAYS see the good in others, and give them the benefit of the doubt, as I would hope they would do for me. I am trying to let things roll of my back more easily and not become offended or hurt, as I realize others are most likely not intending to do so, but rather it is an action or feeling I can choose to deny. I am trying to be less judgemental, as I would hope people don't judge me. I am truly learning the principle of love and the commandment to love our neighbor as thyself. The Lord does not expect us to only love the ones who love us, who bless our life, who make us happy, which is easy and natural, but He expects more out of us... He expects us to love our enemies too..."bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" (Matt 5:44). I admit this is not always easy and I have had many, many sad, tearful conversations with my loving husband in regards to many situations this past year...along with many prayers for my Savior to help me be a better friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, wife, and mother. These thoughts have led me to recommit myself to do better, along with an apology to any whom I have hurt in my struggle to overcome. I am sure this will be a life-long battle for me, but it is my prayer that with His help I will endure and overcome!

I know that everyone in my life wants to be the best in whichever role they play (i.e. wife, mother, husband, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, friend, etc...) and are always striving, as am I, to reach their potential as a son or daughter of God...therefore my sincerest desire is for us all to get along. I am sure our Father in Heaven looks down upon us at times and weeps at the way we treat each other! I don't want to make Him cry anymore! I know we all can get caught up in our own lives, our own perspectives, but it is my hope as these thoughts have consumed many of my days, that we can learn to see His perspective and love the way He loves.